The holiday season is in full swing, celebrations are being organized and for many people this is “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.” Unfortunately, for some of us, the holiday’s can turn into a painful reminder of what is missing.
How do we cope with loss while trying to stay present and engaged with our families this holiday season?
1. Understand the holidays will never be the same for you.
Losing a child changes a person, so expecting the holiday season to look and feel that same as it always has is not realistic. Especially the first year after the loss of a child, find joy in what you can find joy in, and give yourself the grace to grieve for the rest.
2. Trust yourself to know what's right for you.
The holidays quickly become packed with multiple places to visit, dinners, etc. Some of us like the hustle and bustle, but it may not feel right or ok this year. Don’t second guess what your gut is telling you about the holiday hustle. If your gut is telling you to slow down, then SLOW DOWN. If it is best for your soul to miss some holiday celebrations, then go for it.
3. Be ready for insensitive comments.
If no one else in your family has experienced the loss of a child, you may hear comments like, “why don’t you have another baby?” Someone who has never gone through infant loss may not understand that children are not replaceable. It is also important to determine the intent of these comments. Most are trying to help, but don’t know what to say. You may need to educate this person and tell them that while you appreciate them trying to help it would be better if they provided silent support.
4. Incorporate
Infant loss does not mean you erase that child from your history. Incorporate that child into the holidays and family traditions. This could mean having a picture or memorial of the child up near the Christmas tree. It could also mean a special key chain, bracelet, necklace, or symbol you carry on your person. Something easily accessible that you can touch or hold to help feel that child in the moment. Allowing yourself to take deep breaths and center yourself so you can come back to the joy of the holidays.
5. Don’t be afraid to seek help
Reactions to grief are different for everyone, it’s important to remember that there is no wrong way to grieve. It's ok to need help, especially during the holidays. This could come as support groups; Rachel’s Gift has a list of support groups organized by state: https://www.rachelsgift.org/infant-loss-support-groups. If you are like me and worried about being vulnerable or having to share in a support group, don’t worry! Being a part of a support group doesn’t mean you must share your life story. Share as little or as much as you want. For some of us, just listening to others and knowing we are not alone provides comfort.
By: Sarah Wandstrat
Bio: Sarah Wandstrat is a registered nurse, legal consultant, and medical writer. She believes in being a support and resource for those at their most vulnerable. Contact her at: Sarah@consultthenurse.com