It’s an unfortunate reality that not all pregnant women will carry their babies to term. The March of Dimes estimates that miscarriage occurs in about 10-15% of pregnancies (out of the women who know they’re pregnant). Chances are high that you know someone who has experienced a pregnancy loss.

It’s impossible to understand the true spectrum of emotions one experiences when navigating through a pregnancy loss if you haven’t been through one yourself. Grief expert David Kessler says, “There is no forgetting in grief.” When a person is missing from your lives, it’s not something you ever forget. Losing a child is an incredibly isolating experience because the world still carries on. 

If you know someone who is experiencing a pregnancy or infant loss, or has experienced one recently, you may find yourself wanting to support. You may also find yourself wondering about the right things to say or do.

If you truly find yourself in the capacity to provide support to someone experiencing pregnancy loss, keep in mind these two helpful tips.

Resist the urge to keep things positive

Finding the right thing to say to someone experiencing a pregnancy loss can feel tricky. Because your loved one is going through a painful situation, you may find yourself wanting to remind them to stay positive.

This is unnecessary.

And it may even invalidate what they’re feeling. 

Refrain from starting sentences with “at least…” (e.g. at least you’re still young, at least you can try again, at least it was early on in your pregnancy)

While seemingly harmless, these sentiments remove the focus from their pain and grief. Let them move through the grief process on their own time. 

There is no need to try and put a positive spin on something so painful and difficult. 

This may feel uncomfortable at first. In fact, it will require you to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. But truly being there for a loved one means sitting with them through their pain. 

Tell them that you are sorry for what they are going through. Tell them that whatever feelings they have are valid. This will go miles further than trying to turn a horrible situation into something positive.


Offer concrete support

The go-to phrase that people use when offering help is something along the lines of, “Please let me know if you need anything.”

While it may seem like there’s nothing wrong with this, it’s unclear what kind of help you’re willing to provide. You may consider taking it one step further and offering concrete suggestions.

Depending on how close you are with this person, they may not know what kind of help you’re offering. Asking for help also puts you in a vulnerable position and with a pregnancy loss, your loved one is already dealing with a lot of emotions and feelings.

After my miscarriage, I found myself needing support but I was afraid to be a burden on other people. And when people did tell me that they were there for me, I wasn’t quite sure in what capacity. 

When you offer support to a loss mom during her time of crisis, think of exactly how you’d like to help. Try offering concrete suggestions such as:
​

• Can I pick up your kids from school today?
• Can I drop off some dinner tonight?
• Can I bring you some groceries?
• Can I call you tonight so you can vent/cry?

Let your loved one know the exact capacity of support you’re willing to provide, and make sure you only make suggestions that you’re willing to follow through on. 

And if they don’t respond, that’s okay. Some people may need space to move through the healing process. For those who are willing to receive support, your clarity will most certainly be appreciated.

********

If you’re experiencing a loss currently, have recently experienced one, or never processed a loss you had in the past, please consider joining the weekly pregnancy and infant loss support group by Rachel’s Gift. It’s currently held on Thursdays at 7pm EST via Zoom. This free group is open to both or either partner (men and women) and their family members. The group is led by licensed counselors and social workers and is a safe space to grieve among others who have had similar experiences. It has helped 800 people and counting through their loss journeys since its inception. Sign up today.

https://www.rachelsgift.org/infant-loss-support-groups.html

MEDICAL DISCLAIMER: The information on this website is provided for educational purposes only and does not substitute for professional medical advice. Do not rely solely on this information. Consult your health care provider for medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment.

Hi Mama,

You don’t know me, but if you’re reading this blog, we are walking the same path--the path of grief after the loss of a child. It is my hope through this blog that you will find like-minded mamas, like me, who actually understand this pain and loss. 
​
First, it is my hope that as you read this, there is a moment in the sea of grief for you to see you are not alone, and you have a community behind you to give you support. We are members of the same club. It is not one we were eager to join, nor wish to be a part of; however, we are now Angel Mamas. Our beautiful little baby was taken from us, and it is a pain that will never completely leave you. I won’t tell you it gets better because the pain you are feeling will never go away, but we, as mothers, find the strength and endurance to survive, especially if we have other babies to care for. 
Second, it is my hope that by learning of my story, maybe you will be able to see that, although your heart is broken, your life will somehow prevail. You will carry your little angel with you forever.  Days can be good or bad, but your love for your little one will help you to somehow prevail on those bad days. 

November 23, 2021, I was 8 months pregnant with my beautiful baby girl, Noella Christina. Noella was my second child after my son was born in 2019. My pregnancy with Noella was difficult with terrible morning sickness, two bouts of food poisoning, and a mild case of COVID, but somehow she managed to survive them all. She was an active baby, always kicking and flipping around in my belly. She loved it when I ate nectarines and pound cake, and hated the smell of coffee.  We had scheduled an induction in three weeks, and I was going into my doctors for a routine sonogram. At the time, I didn’t feel much movement from her, but I just assumed that it was my crazy pregnancy anxiety getting the best of me. How wrong I would end up being. I went in for the sonogram only for the technician and nurse to tell me there was no heartbeat. My baby girl was gone. The rest of the day was a blur between the shock, my mom coming to get me, my husband holding me as I sobbed, getting my son set to go off to my parents, and going to the hospital. The next clear image I had was the doctor performing a C-section and pulling my lifeless baby girl out.  
My husband and I have been together for ten years this March, and in that time I have never seen him cry, but in that moment his knees hit the ground, and our whole world fell apart. The umbilical cord had wrapped around her throat four times, and my sweet angel girl went to sleep and never woke up again.  We buried her the following Monday. 

Although this has been a little over a year ago, my husband and I are still trying to piece our lives back together. It has been a balancing act that we have, many times throughout this process, struggled to do. I have my three-year-old son still to bring me joy, but then when I’m alone, I am so engrossed in the grief. Some days I am able to function, don’t cry, and think of what we lost. Other days, I am so overcome with emotions that I am exhausted with feelings and drenched in my tears. 
Dear Mama, I wish I could give you a time frame as to when this pain will go away. It never will, but you will learn how to live with it, and somehow piece your life back together. I know it’s hard ,Mama, to let go of all the dreams and expectations you wanted for your baby, but you are strong. We women are amazing creatures, and we can do anything. 
I’ve found great comfort in cardinals since my daughter died. Cardinals aren’t a bird you see a lot, but when you do see one, it’s special and vivid. Your angel was a cardinal; bright, vivid, and brief, but so very special.  Your angel was very beautiful and brought a touch of magic to your life, but like a cardinal, it flutters away before you can capture it. 

But you, sweet Mama, I want you to remember you are a butterfly. Right now, you are beautiful, but fragile. You flutter away from people because you’re sad, or angry, or just frankly don’t want to be around people. That’s ok. Be your own beautiful butterfly, Mama. Make your cocoon and rest. When you’re ready, emerge the beautiful, strong creature you were meant to be. Arise from your grief stronger than before. There is no time limit for your grief. Don’t let anyone tell you to rush or hurry up, but when you’re ready, be sure to honor your angel with living. 
It is my hope that my Noella is working through me and helping me to reach out to you, Mama, and give you the hug and love you so need right now.

It is my hope you will come along with me through my journey, and as I help you, know you are helping me, too. Please know I am here for you.  I am still living my grief day to day. Some days I feel as though it was all a bad dream. However, maybe by reaching out to you and others, we can keep the spirit and memories of our babies alive.  Dear Mama, you can reach me at my email address: myangelnoella@gmail.com. 

This is my baby’s legacy on this earth. She may have been here for a brief time, but her life burned so bright, and her spirit burns in my heart. This is how I will keep her alive for us. 
Please take care of yourself, Mama! Your baby loved you, and so you should remember to always love yourself. 

Many Blessings!
Always, 
Noella’s Mama

“My hearts broken in ways most people don’t understand.” –Sara Millen


 Bio:
Erin is a proud mama of a beautiful three-year-old, Santo James and a beautiful angel baby girl, Noella Christina. Erin works as a job developer for individuals with developmental disabilities and mental health issues. She suffered the traumatic loss of her daughter in November 2021, a mere three weeks before her daughter was born, due to an umbilical cord strangulation. While navigating a balancing act of being “mommy” and a mother in mourning, she has come out of the most difficult time in her family’s life with a newfound sense of empowerment, health and appreciation for the life she has with her husband and son. It is with the help of Rachel’s Gift, she hopes to help other mama’s the way other so many have helped her throughout her grief journey. With her blog, Noella’s Note, she prays that mothers in mourning know they are not alone, and they are loved. To contact her, please email: myangelnoella@gmail.com

The holiday season is in full swing, celebrations are being organized and for many people this is “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.”  Unfortunately, for some of us, the holiday’s can turn into a painful reminder of what is missing.
 
How do we cope with loss while trying to stay present and engaged with our families this holiday season?

1. Understand the holidays will never be the same for you.

Losing a child changes a person, so expecting the holiday season to look and feel that same as it always has is not realistic. Especially the first year after the loss of a child, find joy in what you can find joy in, and give yourself the grace to grieve for the rest.  

2. Trust yourself to know what's right for you.  

The holidays quickly become packed with multiple places to visit, dinners, etc. Some of us like the hustle and bustle, but it may not feel right or ok this year. Don’t second guess what your gut is telling you about the holiday hustle.  If your gut is telling you to slow down, then SLOW DOWN.  If it is best for your soul to miss some holiday celebrations, then go for it.  

3. Be ready for insensitive comments.

If no one else in your family has experienced the loss of a child, you may hear comments like, “why don’t you have another baby?”  Someone who has never gone through infant loss may not understand that children are not replaceable.  It is also important to determine the intent of these comments.  Most are trying to help, but don’t know what to say.  You may need to educate this person and tell them that while you appreciate them trying to help it would be better if they provided silent support.  

4. Incorporate 

Infant loss does not mean you erase that child from your history. Incorporate that child into the holidays and family traditions.  This could mean having a picture or memorial of the child up near the Christmas tree.  It could also mean a special key chain, bracelet, necklace, or symbol you carry on your person.  Something easily accessible that you can touch or hold to help feel that child in the moment.  Allowing yourself to take deep breaths and center yourself so you can come back to the joy of the holidays. 

5. Don’t be afraid to seek help

Reactions to grief are different for everyone, it’s important to remember that there is no wrong way to grieve.  It's ok to need help, especially during the holidays.  This could come as support groups; Rachel’s Gift has a list of support groups organized by state:  https://www.rachelsgift.org/infant-loss-support-groups.html .  If you are like me and worried about being vulnerable or having to share in a support group, don’t worry!  Being a part of a support group doesn’t mean you must share your life story.  Share as little or as much as you want.  For some of us, just listening to others and knowing we are not alone provides comfort.


By: Sarah Wandstrat

Sarah Wandstrat is a registered nurse, legal consultant, and medical writer. She believes in being a support and resource for those at their most vulnerable.  Contact her at:  Sarah@consultthenurse.com

If you’re pregnant after experiencing a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss, you may find yourself battling a spectrum of emotions.


Excitement. Fear. Joy. Anxiety.


Adriel Booker, author of Grace Like Scarlett: Grieving With Hope After Miscarriage and Loss, describes three pregnancies after miscarriage as “simultaneously thrilling and frightening.”


I want to preface this blog by saying that I have not been pregnant after my loss. I’m hopeful that I’ll have my rainbow baby sometime in the near future. I don’t proclaim to know what you’re going through if you’re pregnant after loss. So here are some things to keep in mind from women who have been pregnant after a pregnancy loss.


Make space for all of your emotions


You may be experiencing some emotions that contradict each other (I’m talking to you, joy and fear). But it’s okay for two very different emotions to exist at the same time. Let’s look at both of these emotions.


If you experienced joy and happiness upon finding out that you’re pregnant again, one thing to keep in mind is to let yourself experience joy. 


In her book, The Miscarriage Map: What To Expect When You Are No Longer Expecting, Dr. Sunita Osborn talks about her experiences with multiple miscarriages. With her first pregnancy, she felt joyful. But she let her worries get the best of her and quickly shut that joy down with worst-case scenarios. By attempting to mentally prepare herself for the what-ifs, she didn’t allow herself to be happy about being pregnant. When she found out she was having a miscarriage, guess what? She was still shocked and saddened. The what-ifs had done nothing for her. She realized that she just couldn’t prepare for the grief and pain she would endure. 


With her second pregnancy, she let herself experience joy. She talked about the future of her baby with her husband and leaned into the beauty of being pregnant. When she found out she was having another miscarriage, she was undeniably devastated. But she says that the time she spent allowing herself to have hope made her feel freer than when she tried to crush that hope.


As mothers who’ve experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss, the reality of a pregnancy that doesn’t end how we want it to is very real for us. But if you find yourself experiencing joy in your next pregnancy, let yourself be joyful!


On the other hand, fear and anxiety might pop up throughout your pregnancy. It may seem painful just thinking about letting yourself experience this discomfort. You might even find yourself fighting these emotions and wishing you could just be happy about being pregnant again. But as the sub-headline says, it’s important to make space for all of your emotions.
When you fight feelings of anxiety, this only creates a cycle of pushing away feelings that continuously come back. Dr. Osborn advises leaning into your discomfort and giving it compassion.


Think about it. You’ve been through a miscarriage, stillbirth, or pregnancy loss, and you’re pregnant again. Naturally, you’re anxious about how this pregnancy will turn out. Instead of trying to push those feelings aside, give them space. Dr. Osborn says, “When we intentionally make space for our pain, we let go of the struggle. This allows us the freedom to move, to look around, and to choose what to do next.” 


My therapist has been having me do emotional check-ins with myself. When I’m feeling an emotion that doesn’t feel good for me, I simply acknowledge it. I write the emotion down and accept that it’s what I’m feeling at the moment. I try not to judge the emotion. This is how I make space for any feelings of discomfort that I have. 


You can also try this with positive emotions. It might even serve as a reminder to celebrate the fact that you’re pregnant! Give it a try at least once a day and you’ll be able to create more self-awareness and acceptance around the emotions you experience throughout your pregnancy. 


Set goals for your pregnancy 


Something I’ve thought of before even becoming pregnant again is what I can do differently for my next pregnancy. For example, I want a doula this time around. I want to go for frequent walks. I want to meditate on daily affirmations about what my body is capable of. I want to celebrate the joy of being pregnant again. 


I know some of these may be easier said than done, especially since I’m not pregnant yet. But when I do become pregnant, I like to think that having these goals already established will help get me through my pregnancy.


Dr. Osborn suggests doing the same. In her experience, she did a few things. First, she wrote down what she would want to do again in her next pregnancy. Then she wrote what she doesn’t want to repeat from her previous pregnancies. She used these lists to inspire the goals for her next pregnancy. Look at her examples of what she doesn’t want to repeat and the goals that come from it.


What I don’t want to repeat: Googling incessantly


Goal: Instead of Googling every concern that comes to mind, I will start a list on my phone of questions to ask my doctor.


What I don’t want to repeat: Fighting my feelings


Goal: I will allow myself to sit with a range of uncomfortable emotions without judging myself or trying to justify these emotions. 


When you set your goals, try to be intentional about them. Think about what could really help you get through this pregnancy. 


Pregnancy after loss can be a stressful experience. Try your best to make room for the wide range of emotions you may be experiencing. Seek professional help if you feel you need someone to talk to. Set goals for your pregnancy. Be present throughout your pregnancy, and try to celebrate the beauty of being pregnant.  


What are some emotions that have come up for you during your pregnancy? It might be helpful to write them down. 


If you’re experiencing a loss currently, have recently experienced one, or never processed a loss you had in the past, please consider joining the weekly pregnancy and infant loss support group by Rachel’s Gift. It’s currently held on Thursdays at 7pm EST via Zoom. This free group is open to both or either partner (men and women) and their family members. The group is led by licensed counselors and social workers and is a safe space to grieve among others who have had similar experiences. It has helped 800 people and counting through their loss journeys since its inception. Sign up today. https://www.rachelsgift.org/infant-loss-support-groups.html


MEDICAL DISCLAIMER: The information on this website is provided for educational purposes only and does not substitute for professional medical advice. Do not rely solely on this information. Consult your health care provider for medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment.




Bio:


Samantha is a freelance copywriter currently living in Fort Walton Beach, Florida. She experienced a second trimester loss in November 2021. She started attending the support group through Rachel’s Gift the following month where she found a supportive community of men and women also experiencing pregnancy loss. Samantha advocates for Down syndrome awareness as her daughter, Cecilia, was diagnosed with Down syndrome. She and her family participated in World Down Syndrome Day on March 21, 2022. Contact her at www.periodandpen.com.

If you’ve suffered from a pregnancy or infant loss and have made the decision to announce it publicly or on social media, you most likely have gotten a lot of messages from friends and family. While some of the messages may have been helpful and kind, others may have been hurtful or insensitive. 


So how do you deal with upsetting words during such a painful time? You may feel awkward and embarrassed. You may even have an impulse to put that person in their place. 


Here are some things to keep in mind when someone says something insensitive to you while dealing with a pregnancy loss.


Ask for empathy, not silver linings


After experiencing her own losses, Dr. Sunita Osborn wrote a book called The Miscarriage Map where she details what she learned from her experiences with pregnancy loss. In the book, she recalls her own conversations with family members who, while seemingly well-intentioned, said some things that were not so helpful to her grieving process.


Here’s the thing about pain: there aren’t many people who are comfortable with it. There aren’t many people who know how to sit with someone in their pain and validate their feelings. So they will try to reframe the situation into a positive one. 


In the spirit of transparency, I can remember a time in my past when I regrettably told a coworker that “everything happens for a reason” after her father had just passed away. So I include myself in the camp of “I don’t know what to say so I’m just going to look for the positive.”


Dr. Osborn mentions that a lot of people try to offer silver linings (e.g. at least it was still early in your pregnancy, everything is going to be okay, God has a plan) after a loss. But silver linings and toxic positivity minimize the pain you’re experiencing. If they make you uncomfortable, it’s okay to say so.


Knowing how to respond when someone attempts to offer a silver lining is tricky, but you can start by asking for empathy. You can’t control how other people behave and react to your experiences, but you can let them know that what they’re saying isn’t helpful. Consider using a statement such as the following: “I know that what you’re saying is well-intentioned, but it’s not helpful right now.” 


If you aren’t used to setting boundaries with your loved ones, this will be difficult. It will feel awkward and uncomfortable, and you may even be hesitant to do it for fear of upsetting them. But you do not have to put someone else’s comfort above your own. You are the one experiencing the pregnancy loss and you have already been through enough. 
No, they may not get it right away. Yes, they may even feel offended. But if this is a relationship that you want to maintain, it is well within your rights to establish a boundary and ask for empathy, not silver linings. 


Burn all the unhelpful things people have said to you


This is an activity that I found particularly helpful shortly after my miscarriage.


At the end of the chapter about getting the support you need, Dr. Osborn gives an exercise for her readers to try. She says to make a list of all the unhelpful things people have said to you during your pregnancy loss. If you want, you can even write your response, or what you would have liked to have said in that moment, to each statement. Once you’re finished with your list, destroy it. 


I chose to throw my list in my fireplace, and seeing the hurtful things that were said to me burn into flames was therapeutic for me. You may choose to rip it into pieces, cut it up, or light it on fire (in a safe place). The important thing, as Dr. Osborn says, is to “get rid of it because those words are not your truth.”


Next, make a list of the helpful things people have said to you, and keep it in a place where you can go back to from time to time for comfort. Dr. Osborn also says that if you feel you have it in you, make sure to thank the people who have said helpful things to you during your time of loss. 


Are there any specific things you do or say when someone says something that isn’t helpful about your pregnancy or infant loss? Comment down below to keep the conversation going.


***


If you’re experiencing a loss currently, have recently experienced one, or never processed a loss you had in the past, please consider joining the weekly pregnancy and infant loss support group by Rachel’s Gift. It’s currently held on Thursdays at 7pm EST via Zoom. This free group is open to both or either partner (men and women) and their family members. The group is led by licensed counselors and social workers and is a safe space to grieve among others who have had similar experiences. It has helped 800 people and counting through their loss journeys since its inception. Sign up today.


INCLUDE LINK TO GROUP REGISTRATION HERE



MEDICAL DISCLAIMER: The information on this website is provided for educational purposes only and does not substitute for professional medical advice. Do not rely solely on this information. Consult your health care provider for medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment.



Bio:

Samantha is a freelance copywriter currently living in Fort Walton Beach, Florida. She experienced a second trimester loss in November 2021. She started attending the support group through Rachel’s Gift the following month where she found a supportive community of men and women also experiencing pregnancy loss. Samantha advocates for Down syndrome awareness as her daughter, Cecilia, was diagnosed with Down syndrome. She and her family participated in World Down Syndrome Day on March 21, 2022. Contact her at www.periodandpen.com.

Two Important Questions To Ask Before You Try Again After Pregnancy Loss
     - by Samantha Sanabria

If you’ve attended a pregnancy loss support group through Rachel’s Gift, you have most likely learned that losing a pregnancy or infant affects people in various ways. It’s normal to experience an ebb and flow of emotions like guilt and anger. We want you to know that any feelings that you have surrounding your loss are 100% valid.

One thought that may come up after a loss is when to try again.

If the thought of trying for another baby soon scares you, that’s normal.

If the thought of trying for another baby soon is something you want, that’s normal.

If the thought of trying for another baby soon hasn’t even come to your mind, that’s normal, too.

While some women prefer not to try again right away, others may be ready immediately, and may be wondering when it’s okay to try again after miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss.

There isn’t one right answer for everyone, but there are two questions you and your partner should consider before making the decision to try again.

Is my body ready to try again after my loss?

The question of how long to wait after miscarriage or stillbirth before trying again depends on many factors that are personal to your specific situation such as:

• Your age


• Your medical history 


• Any complications you had surrounding your loss

The American Pregnancy Association says that if you’re not having tests to determine the cause of the miscarriage, trying again is generally safe once you’ve gotten two or three menstrual periods. However, depending on the factors listed above, your health care provider may tell you that you need to wait longer. 

As for when it is physically possible to become pregnant after a loss, the Mayo Clinic says that ovulation (and therefore pregnancy) could happen in as little as two weeks after a miscarriage (you’ll also want to abstain from sex for at least this long to avoid infection). It’s very important to keep this in mind if you don’t think you’ll be ready this soon.

If you and your partner think you’re ready to try again immediately, it’s important to talk to your health care provider first before making this decision as that person is the only one who can give you a direct answer. 

Are we emotionally ready to try again?

This is the most important question to ask when it comes to when to try again after miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss.

Are you and your partner emotionally ready to conceive again?

Losing a child, no matter how early in gestation, can take a mental and emotional toll on a couple. Grief is not linear, and there is no timeline for when a person, or couple, is finished with the active grieving process.

For many, grief is something that is carried and dealt with in waves for the rest of their lives.

It’s also something that varies from person to person in a relationship. One person may be able to move forward quicker than the other, and that’s okay.

The important thing to keep in mind is that when to try again after loss is a discussion that needs to be had between you and your partner. The discussion will not look the same from couple to couple, and it’s important to take into account each other’s feelings and emotions. It’s best to validate your partner’s feelings, whether or not they’re ready to try again, and to come to a decision when you are both ready.
                                                                                                              ***

If you’re experiencing a loss currently, have recently experienced one, or never processed a loss you had in the past, please consider joining the weekly pregnancy and infant loss support group by Rachel’s Gift. It’s currently held on Thursdays at 7pm EST via Zoom. This free group is open to both or either partner (men and women) and their family members. The group is led by licensed counselors and social workers and is a safe space to grieve among others who have had similar experiences. It has helped 800 people and counting through their loss journeys since its inception. Sign up today.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support Groups


MEDICAL DISCLAIMER: The information on this website is provided for educational purposes only and does not substitute for professional medical advice. Do not rely solely on this information. Consult your health care provider for medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment.

​




Bio:


Samantha is a freelance copywriter currently living in Fort Walton Beach, Florida. She experienced a second trimester loss in November 2021. She started attending the support group through Rachel’s Gift the following month where she found a supportive community of men and women also experiencing pregnancy loss. Samantha advocates for Down syndrome awareness as her daughter, Cecilia, was diagnosed with Down syndrome. She and her family participated in World Down Syndrome Day on March 21, 2022. Contact her at www.periodandpen.com.