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by Tiffany · posted by Rachel's Gift Birthdate: October 4, 2012 Parents: Tiffany & Chad  Nashton James Hood was born on October 4, 2012 at 3:30 p.m. He was 8 lbs. 4 oz. and 20" long. He was perfect. He had his grandfather's beautiful skin color and dark hair. Much different than big brother, Bexton, who is very fair skinned with light blonde hair. Bexton loved his little brother so much! He wasn't even 2 yet. We were over the moon to have 2 boys. We loved our little chunky boy! Turns out Nashton was very colicky and inconsolable for the first three months. He threw up a lot and Bexton gagged. We thought it was funny! Between his third and fourth month he became happier. We were finally getting in the swing of two different babysitters and me going back to work. Everything was going good! I was so excited to take his 4 month photo in a few days, because he most likely wouldn't be crying this month! On January 31, 2013, my husband was driving home when he realized there were ambulances in our new babysitter's driveway. He usually didn't go that way and I normally picked up the boys. He slammed on his brakes and went in. He found the babysitter with an emt. She said they took Nash to the hospital because he was laying down for a nap and when our babysitter went in to wake him up, he was blue. She called 911 and started CPR. By the time my husband got there the ambulance was gone with our baby. When I came to pick up the boys minutes later all the ambulances were gone so I had NO idea what was going on. My husband told me to get back in my car and we were going to the hospital. I was so confused. I go there three days a week and pick up my boys, both boys, and head home. Why was I getting in the car without my boys? I was so confused. He told me on the way to the hospital that Nash stopped breathing and we were going to the hospital. I thought to myself, "what baby stops breathing?" I also convinced myself that he stopped breathing, but he started again, so he's fine. I even called my sister to ask her to meet us there. I said it was weird. Will you just meet us there? What was 15 minutes later at the hospital (which felt like an eternity), we show up to St. Luke's Hospital where we are greeted by a pastor and a nurse. They told us that Nash had been brought in about 30 minutes ago not breathing and he still was not, but they were not ready to give up. They had tubes, machines, people around him doing CPR, but in that first look, I knew he was gone. His beautiful olive skin was white, his dark hair was blonde. He was spread out and looked like a three year old; not my baby. It was the most surreal feeling and still is. How does a baby die? Why does a baby die? Especially since he was so loved and cared for. My mom lost a baby to SIDS in 1978 and I always knew of my sister, Tanya, but I never met her. I always thought, "well my mom didn't know she shouldn't have smoked, but she did, and that is why she died in her sleep." However; I didn't smoke! Why did my baby die? I will never understand. I have, over the years, become less angry. I was so angry at first. I wanted to beat up anyone that mistreated a child. I was so mad that anyone could not appreciate and love their child as much as I did. He should be in Kindergarten this year. It breaks my heart every time someone asks how many kids do you have? It is a healing process to say the least. I am part of a non-profit organization that we let dwindle (but I still send bags of gifts) to families that lose infants. I like to know that I can help other families through this horrible time. It's okay to grieve, be mad, or sad. Just know you are not alone and it is okay to smile again. I remember feeling so guilty when someone asked, "how are you?" I would say, "good" out of habit and instantly feel guilty. I can't be good, I lost my baby, how could I be good??
Today, I have two rainbow babies, Coleson is four years old and Oakley is five months. They bring us so much joy. We are thankful for them. We always talk about Nash and keep his memory alive. Until we meet again, sweet boy. What has Rachel’s Gift’s support meant to you? It is nice to be in a supportive community that you didn’t want to be a part of. I am thankful I am not alone. |
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